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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24536584">joy division</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/written_you_down/pseuds/written_you_down'>written_you_down</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>nostalgic. [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bastille (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:28:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24536584</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/written_you_down/pseuds/written_you_down</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a million things Dan can't do.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kyle Simmons/Dan Smith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>nostalgic. [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754833</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>joy division</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan can’t hear his voice. </p><p>	At first he thinks, he hopes, he fucking prays that it’s just a fluke. He continues to sing and then knows with a grim certainty that the mix for his in-ear monitor is not working. There’s too much noise. Woody’s drums and Will’s guitar are blaring in his head. Dan can’t hear himself sing and he can’t hear Kyle. It’s impossible to make his voice blend with anything and Dan feels as if he’s shouting as he drowns. He tries to keep going. He glances at the side stage for help and when none is forthcoming, he glares at the person he holds responsible. </p><p>	He’s suddenly struck by how alone he is. He’s on stage in front of a sold out crowd but he’s completely isolated in his struggles. No one can help him. Sweat beads up on the back of his neck and he turns away from the audience. He worries for a moment that he’ll be physically ill. His mind is scrambling for the lyrics. Jesus. What comes next? He tries to breathe. He tries to sing. He tries even though he wants to quit, even though it feels like a nightmare. </p><p> </p><p>												—</p><p> </p><p>	Dan can’t see around his anger. </p><p>	As soon as he’s able, he storms off from the venue and goes straight away to the van that brought him there. He reaches its door and struggles with the handle of the van. Of course it won’t open. Why the fuck should it? Why should anything go to plan tonight? Dan was not a violent person by nature, but he could imagine his fist breaking through the van’s window. He would almost welcome the sight of the glass shattered on the asphalt and feeling of it as it tore across his knuckles.</p><p>	He tried to take a deep breath, to focus on something, to think about anything other than the show he had forced himself to finish. He felt his neck and ears burn with heat as he remembered how God awful it had been. He leaned his forehead against the glass and closed his eyes. Hundreds of people just witnessed him making a complete fool of himself. He sounded terrible. His reaction was terrible. Christ, he <i>was</i> terrible. What was he thinking to ever imagine he could go on stage and perform? He was mental. He knew better. He knew something like this would happen and now it had. </p><p>	He heard unwelcome footsteps approach and then a voice. “Dan?”</p><p>	Dan didn’t answer. He didn’t trust his voice. If this night had taught him anything, certainly it was that. He lowered his neck and tucked his chin towards his chest.</p><p>	“Dan. Look at me.”  </p><p>	Dan wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t face the crowd earlier and he couldn’t face Kyle now. Kyle sighed and waited a moment before coming towards him. Dan was prepared to shrink away from him and any comfort Kyle might attempt to offer, but Kyle didn’t try to touch him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kyle move to stand by his side. Kyle slowly leaned forward against the van, and placed his forehead against the glass in the same manner as Dan. “I…I wish I knew what to say right now. God. I’m sorry. I wish I could have done something while it was happening. I didn’t know what to do.”</p><p>	Dan hears Kyle, but he doesn’t want to. Dan’s so sure that he’s right about how wretched he is, that he doesn’t want to be contradicted, even though it’s at his own expense. He feels as if he’s so far gone, he can’t be brought back. Things had been on course, but tonight they had derailed. Dan wasn’t sure they could be corrected. He can’t even look directly at Kyle though he’s right by his side. He’s not sure he can face the others in the band. The idea of getting back on stage, facing another crowd seems remote and terrifying. How could he have ever thought he could do this? </p><p>	“Dan,” Kyle tries again. “Come walk with me. Sam and the others need to load the van. You don’t have to see anyone else tonight. Well. Aside from me. But that can’t be helped. I— I’m not leaving.” Kyle wants to physically reach out, but senses that his words are the only thing that have a chance of reaching Dan, if he will even take them. Dan has given no indication he’s heard Kyle. </p><p>	Kyle closes his eyes, remembering how he felt when he watched Dan struggle through the set. About four songs in, it was apparent that Dan’s in ear speaker had failed. Dan was unable to hear his own voice or much of anything else. Dan’s anxiety and then his anger were on full display.  Kyle had tried time and time again to make Dan look at him, in hopes that he could help him, but Dan had shut down. There were moments when Dan completely turned his back to the crowd to force his way through the lyrics of the song. It brought back memories of their first gigs. When they began playing shows, Dan would often look away or even move to the back of the stage to avoid being seen, but lately, things had seemed easier for him. Kyle wasn’t sure what tonight would do to Dan’s confidence in the longterm. Looking at Dan now, he noticed that both of Dan’s hands were clinched into fists. </p><p>	“Hey,” Kyle says with more urgency. “Let’s go. We can call for a ride, but let’s walk away from this. We can leave this place in dust. Please, let’s go.”</p><p> 	Kyle heard Dan exhale and watched as as he lifted his head and stood up. </p><p>												-</p><p> </p><p>	Dan can’t ignore Kyle.</p><p>	Maybe it’s because he knows he has a limited amount of time alone with Kyle before their ride shows up that Dan finally gets to the truth of it. “Nights like this one, make me wonder if I’m making a mistake. If I’m rubbish. If I’m in over my head.”</p><p>	Kyle stares straight ahead into the night. He wants to say everything, but worries it won’t be enough. “You are not rubbish. Not at all. You haven’t made a mistake. I know this was a shit gig. But it wasn’t your fault, the sound was...”</p><p>	“I fell apart. I couldn’t even face the crowd for most of the show. I didn’t want to be there,” Dan maintained. </p><p>	“But you stuck it out,” Kyle argued. “You didn’t leave. You didn’t walk off. You finished the show.” </p><p>	Dan shook his head. “I owe everyone there a refund. I feel like such a fucking loser. I can’t even do the most basic things correctly. I can’t function when things go off course...”</p><p>	“Please stop and just, just listen to me.” Kyle paused and tried to choose his words carefully. “The people there were cheering you on. They knew there were technical issues, things you couldn’t control. They love your music. They love you...”</p><p>	Dan scoffed. “Love me? I don’t—“</p><p>	“Everyone on that stage and in that crowd loves you,” Kyle insisted. </p><p>	For the first time since they took the stage hours ago, Dan turned and looked at Kyle. “Everyone on the stage?” Kyle was silent. He blinked and waited for Dan to piece it together. Dan paused a split second and asked, “That... includes you?”</p><p>	Kyle took a breath. “Yes. Me, in particular. Who else would I love? So I guess that makes the both of us losers.” There, Kyle thought. Now he’s done it. Let everything sort itself out. Or not. Let it fall to pieces, but at least it was out there. </p><p>	Before Dan can even begin to form a response, a car pulled up in front of them. The window rolled down and a bright eyed woman asked “are you Dan?”</p><p>	Dan nodded. “You’re Jessica?”</p><p>	She smiled. “Yes.” </p><p>	Kyle walked around to the passenger side of the vehicle and climbed in the backseat. He knew Dan was still rattled from the show, but he didn’t have it in him at the moment for small talk and he left it to Dan. Dan got in the car and sat near him. Kyle felt Dan staring at him, but continued to look out the window.</p><p>	Jessica began driving and asked “Is the music ok? I can change it, if you like.”</p><p>	“It’s fine.” Dan paused and added, “Love will tear us apart.” </p><p>	Kyle turned sharply to look at Dan, his thoughts racing. So they were going to do this in front of Jessica? Ok then. </p><p>	Dan’s eyes grew wide at Kyle’s expression. “I meant the song! It’s the song,” he explained. “Listen...” he began to sing softly to the lyrics, “all my failings exposed....” </p><p>	“Oh… right. By Joy Division. I— I don’t know what I was thinking.” Kyle forced himself to hum along to the chorus in attempt to seem saner than he actually felt. He started to turn away from Dan again when he felt Dan’s hand brush against his own. Kyle glanced down as Dan wrapped his fingers around Kyle’s and held his hand. Dan was steadily humming along with Kyle to the song. </p><p>	Ok, so they were going to do this in front of Jessica, Kyle thought again. But in the best way. He fought to keep his face from breaking in half with joy. </p><p>	“So how are you two doing tonight?” Jessica asked. </p><p>	Dan looked at Kyle and a small smile flickered to life on Dan’s face for the first time in hours. Kyle had seen all sorts of smiles from Dan — from ones that were hesitant to ones that were giant, ear to ear, crooked lop sided, full toothed affairs. It was an extensive catalogue. But this tiny one that Dan is currently giving him after Dan’s been in such a dark place, well. It’s immediately making its way to the top of the list. </p><p>	“Oh, we’re just the losers on the backseat, singing along to 80’s music,” Dan replied to Jessica.</p><p>	Dan can’t control time.</p><p>	Dan can’t go back and erase the botched gig.</p><p>	Dan can’t pause these minutes with Kyle or make them play in slow motion to have them last just a bit longer.</p><p>	But he can be here now, he can stay inside this moment and see it for what it is.</p><p>	Dan leaned his head back against the seat of the car, looked at Kyle and he sang with him. He felt Kyle squeeze his hand in response and all of it combined together made Dan’s chest thud to the beat of the song.</p><p>	There are a million things Dan can’t do, but this — this he can do.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks to Juli, who most patiently listens to my dissertations about these two characters.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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